Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
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Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Still my favourite meme.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”