Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
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Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
🛁
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.