You Might Also Like
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Holy moly
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.