Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
This forever.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.