When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
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This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.