People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
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by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.