One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
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{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.