14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I have obtained a hat
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
rise and shine we got egg
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….