Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
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I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
mom gave me mine for free
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.