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kids play hide and seek like
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood