I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
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sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.