My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
You Might Also Like
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead