You Might Also Like
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
That earthquake could have been an email.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
i can’t wait that long
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”