Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
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I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”