If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
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Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry