Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
You Might Also Like
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time