Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
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What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it