My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
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*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Got him!
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!