Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.