Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
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All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
he chose this
podcasts
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move