I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
You Might Also Like
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?