If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
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My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.