Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
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“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
the short answer to this question
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
But I really needed water water water
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now