Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
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[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.