🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
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Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
*pronounces woah like Noah*
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.