How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
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Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.