Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
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*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.