My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Vodka burrito was a success
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.