I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
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this is what they would have looked like, though
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?