It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
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Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Sorry not sorry.