I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
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Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Going into Monday like
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war