Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
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ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.