I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
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I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
my professor scared me for a second
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.