A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 馃憖
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A dollar doesn鈥檛 go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it鈥檚 39 million more years of moss
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Edward norton: what鈥檚 your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I鈥檓 trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday鈥檚 will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don鈥檛 have any friends.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone鈥檚 way at the grocery store.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.