[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
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An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no