Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
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And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’