I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
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[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Finally
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’