I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
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I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists