Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
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If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
the rocks need my help
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*