Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
You Might Also Like
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof