me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
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My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature