I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
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I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
#Caturday
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
shut up and take my money
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh