Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
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*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
a lot to unpack here
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Pigeon open mic night.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.