The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.