My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*