i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
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So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.