Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
where the womens at?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.