yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
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I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Cats (2019)
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
#dnd #ttrpg
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.