I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
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My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
when someone rings the doorbell
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
That’s no pocket rocket.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.