Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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@funTweeters I am at your service….
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.